When Katniss is not there
by fortheloveofawerewolf
Summary: Series of one-shots, from Peeta's POV. Canon compliant. COMPLETE
1. Effects

**UPDATED - I found out yesterday that this story had a lot of weird characters all over the place, making it basically impossible to read. So sorry about that, I hope it'll work this time around!**

 **Just a short little one-shot that made me cry writing it. enjoy...? I don't think that's the right sentiment...**

"Boy, why do you let her do this to you?"

I looked up groggily. My vision was slightly clouded and I had to clear my throat before answering Haymitch.

"Because otherwise a whole lot of people are going to be in a whole lot of trouble."

"You are hopelessly good, it's honestly sickening sometimes."

"I'm sorry that I want to keep my family and the girl I love alive." I glare at him. He doesn't have anyone, he can do whatever he wants and not hurt anyone else. He's free.

"She's using you, though. When the cameras aren't around, when it couldn't possibly change anything. Don't think I don't know the way you spend your nights together."

"Haymitch we only-"

"Doesn't matter. Nightmares or needs, you just crawl in with her and let her chip away at you."

I scrub my palm over my face. He's technically right, I don't think about how much it hurts laying next to Katniss and knowing that she doesn't share my feelings. I grit my teeth and bear the way her backside rubs against me in her sleep, forcing myself to not reciprocate, thinking of anything to try to calm myself down. Or when her hands trail up and down my sides, raising goosebumps on my skin and sending shivers down my spine. Generally, I get way too hot and wrap the sheets around her and I've gotten used to leaving the window open, even when it's freezing outside. But if it helps Katniss sleep and get the energy she needs to fake being in love with me... I'll do it.

I realize what Haymitch means. She is using me. I wonder if it's our shared trauma of the Games or if I could be replaced by any other warm body to comfort her. My blood boils as I think of Gale in my place by her side.

"I don't care if she's just using me. She needs to sleep, otherwise she can't act at all and everyone is at risk. Besides, I love her. And love makes you do things that hurt if they help someone else."

Haymitch makes a groaning noise.

"Look in the mirror, kid. Look under your eyes. Do you even sleep at all? How much more do you need to tighten your belt to keep your pants on? You're in bad shape. Portia's trying to get you to eat more, and she's taken in all of your clothes so they don't hang on you. You need to do something about this. You really do, it's slowly killing you."

"Haymitch, I wasn't even supposed to survive the Games. You know it, I know it, all of Panem knows it."

"I may have picked her to survive them, I may have put my bets on her, but if I could've picked who SHOULD'VE survived the Games, I'd pick you in a heartbeat." With a swig of his flask, Haymitch gave me a knowing look and ambled out, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I flopped back on my bed, staying there until a gentle, motherly voice called to me.

"Peeta?"

"Hi Portia."

She sat next to me on the edge of my bed and I sit up, looking at the tray beside her.

"What's that?"

"I was hoping you'd agree to a little midnight snack."

"I have to go to Ka-"

She's showering, and Cinna is going to do some fitting when she's done."

"Oh. Okay, thanks."

She handed me a dish of long brown nuts.

"Almonds, have you had them before?"

I shook my head and tried one, finding it acceptable. I ate the rest of them as Portia salted two hard-boiled eggs.

"What's on your mind?"

I look up at her, seeing something akin to curiosity mixed with a knowing look.

"Katniss, the tour, after the tour, but mostly Katniss. As usual."

She nods, passing me one egg as she took a bite of the other.

"Anything you need to vent about?"

I sigh. Yes, I do need to vent. It would probably make me feel a lot better. But I've never liked venting in front of other people. I usually vent to a piece of canvas or a lump of dough.

But I know I can trust Portia.

"I-I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I knew Katniss didn't give me a second thought when the Games started, and I knew better than to hope that she'd fall in love with me in the time before the Games. I assumed I would die in the arena, so nothing was really at risk if I told everyone, but then she came and dug me out of the riverbed. When there was absolutely nothing in it for her. Or so I thought. She made me believe she was saving me because she cared about me, and not to keep up the 'star-crossed lovers' thing for sponsors. Or because she thinks she owes me for whatever. I believed she might actually have felt something for me. Of course, that's not really her fault, there was no way to tell me without the whole thing going out the window. And then... And then after..." I sucked in a deep breath. "Afterwards, she seemed like she might have liked me a little. Just a tiny bit, and I was overjoyed, I could work with a little crush. How she seemed like she wanted to see me when we weren't being filmed, how she kissed me..." I shivered a little, recalling how deeply I'd felt her kisses in my soul, giving me courage and hope. I gave a bitter laugh. Hope.  
"But... then..." I'd been fighting the tears for the last several sentences. But recalling the past, I covered my face in my hands. "Then she told me." I wailed. "She told me it was for the cameras and that it was all fake." The last word ended in a choked hiccup. "That she really didn't love me, or as I realized, she didn't even LIKE me. At all. She left right away and I didn't see her until the day we left for this tour." I curled up under Portia's arm, my heart breaking all over again. Haymitch is right, I am in very very bad shape.

"And it was all true, everything my mother told me, it was all true. I didn't want to believe her, but now I know." Portia stroked my back and hair, rocking me gently like I was a small child. I sobbed quietly, sinking down lower when I failed to remember a single time my own mother had comforted me.

"Shhh. Peeta, it's okay. I'm here for you, I'll be here for you as long as I can." Eventually I ran out of tears, still shaking a little as I sat up, not sure if I should be embarrassed or relieved.

"Thank you for telling me, sweetie." I nodded.

"I'm sorry, Portia, I have never had much control over my emotions." I sniffle, laughing a little which ended up sounding like a sob.  
She wiped my cheeks with her thumbs, and I tried to smile a little.

"There's no reason to be sorry, Peeta. Everyone cries, even boys." She smiles at me.

"Now, do you want to explain what your mother was right about? Don't feel like you have to if you aren't comfortable." I shook my head, there wasn't anyone I was more comfortable with than Portia. I grimaced as I thought of having this conversation with Haymitch.

"I-well-my... My mother, she's very... She's-really strict. And she has a bad temper. Like I said in the Games, my dad wanted to marry Mrs. Everdeen. Obviously that didn't happen and he married my mother instead. And of course she knew that he settled for her. I think... I think that when she found out I liked Katniss, it reminded her of my dad liking Mrs. Everdeen. So she would... Sometimes... Often... Take her anger out on me. Sometimes my brothers, but mostly me."

Her hand traced over the skin on my back, the scar gone after the Capitol's full body polish, but she saw me completely naked so she of course saw the ugly marks I'd brought with me. I know she remembers it. I nod weakly.

"That's awful! I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault. Anyway, she usually yelled at me before she hit me, and to her I was always the 'worthless, weak, girly little boy.' I guess it didn't help when I never fought back or argued. I'm still not sure if that would have made her more mad or make her stop." Portia's coco skin grew reddish, as she hugged me fiercely to her.

"Peeta. No child should ever hear that from their mother, of all people. I want you to know. To always know and to believe me when I tell you this. You are not worthless. You are not weak. And you are not girly. Okay?" I don't really believe her, so I don't respond and she pulls away from me, holding my face in her hands and looking me straight in the eye.

"One day, you'll realize. How many people love you, how much you've overcome, and how beautifully artistic you are." She pauses. "Do you think Cinna is girly?"

I shook my head.

"No, of course not. He's not girly, he's fiercely talented. Wonderfully artistic. Brilliantly creative. Do you agree?"

I nod. Of course I agree, I don't even know how many sponsors we got from Cinna's styles alone.

"The same is true for you. Drawing, painting, those aren't girly things, those are creative things. Do you believe me?" I nod, not completely convinced, but encouraged to know she believed her words so passionately. She planted a kiss firmly on my cheek, hugging me again.

"Are you feeling a little bit better?"

"Yeah. Thank you, Portia."

"That's what I'm here for." She smiled, patting my shoulder before standing.

"Oh also, there's the little matter of my job... I need to take some new measurements to alter your clothes, is now okay, or do you want me to come back later?"

I shrug. "Now is as good a time as any." I shrug off my t-shirt and pants, leaving my boxers on since we were just measuring.

"I want you to try to eat a little more, sweetie. You're getting thin again." I nod.

"Have you been sleeping well? I know you've been with Katniss at night, but-" I cut her off, mildly irritated with everything after the realizations I'd come to earlier.

"We just sleep. We don't even kiss when there isn't a camera around." I practically hiss the last sentence, more frustrated at myself for letting this go on than anything else. "And no, I haven't been sleeping well." Portia steps back, still holding her tape measure out between her hands, pursing her lips at me.

"Is she sleeping well?"

"As far as I know."

"I assume there isn't anything I can get you..." I shake my head. No sleeping pills, I have to be able to wake up if Katniss needs me to calm her down.

I groan, how did I not see this before they did?

"Peeta?"

"I'm okay. Haymitch decided it was time for a confrontation about Katniss and my 'arrangement.' I'm finally realizing how little I get back from it."

"But you're not going to stop." It's not a question.

"Of course not. It's not her fault I love her and she doesn't. I don't help people for things in return." Portia smiles and pats my shoulder before continuing to measure me. I wonder how someone so down to earth could possibly be from the Capitol.

"Keep yourself in the picture, Peeta. There's only so much heartbreak one person can take." I don't respond. I hadn't even considered what would happen once the star crossed lovers are not the center of attention, when we won't need to fawn over each other and what I'll do when she disappears from me just like she had between the Games and this tour. When she doesn't need me, she leaves. And I stay around like an idiot. I think of two nights ago, when she'd unconsciously rubbed against me, throwing a leg over my hips and grinding down. It felt incredible. I had to bite down hard on my pillow to smother my groans. Eventually she'd stopped, but left me with a raging hard on that I couldn't get rid of. I left her room, going into my shower and turning the water on as cold as it got, hissing as it hit me, freezing cold stinging my hot skin. After I'd released, I had melted into a puddle of misery on the cold tiles, coming back to the reality of a loveless life. I stayed there for at least an hour before redressing and going back to her bed as if nothing had happened.

I'm sick.

Silent tears streamed down my face, neck and bare chest, and Portia didn't notice as she measured my waist until an errant drop met her fingers and she looked up, gentle purple eyebrows raised in confusion.

I'd never seen her cry, she was the strong one, the one I leaned on. So when she saw my face and her eyes welled up, I crumpled down to her, letting her envelop me in her arms and stroke my back. We sat there on the floor for a very long time, both of us running out of tears before we rose. She wiped her face, then mine as she smiled at me.

"I'm here for you, Peeta. I'll be rooting you on as long as I live. I love you, okay? I love you, sweetie."

"Thanks, Portia. I'm glad somebody does." She grew serious again.

"I don't want to you to think like that. A lot of people love you. I love you, Cinna loves you, Effie loves you in her own, colorful way. Even Haymitch does, although he'd never admit it. And you know, I think Katniss does too, she just doesn't realize it quite yet."

I shake my head.

"If there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that Katniss loves one person on this planet and it's her sister, not me."

"See that's where you're wrong. You know that look she gives that little angel, Prim? When nobody's looking, or when she thinks nobody's looking, I've seen her give you the same look."

"I really can't quite believe that's true, but thanks anyway. I love you too, Portia. I don't know what I'd do without you. Probably crumple into a little ball and cry whenever the cameras are gone... Although I really just did that, didn't I?" We both laugh a little.

"Well I'm going to put your measurements together to adjust your next suits, really Peeta, you're three inches thinner than last time I measured you, and that was right out of the Games. I want you to eat all of that," she pointed to the tray, "and try to get a good night's sleep. Okay?" She brushed my hair out of my eyes and patted my cheek as I agreed. Then she left, and I slumped back down on my bed wondering what the heck just happened.


	2. Peeta Joins the Careers

"Hey hey hey. Don't kill me yet." I held my hands up, tucking the knife into my belt as I showed the group of careers that I didn't pose an immediate threat.

"Why, lover boy? Give us one good reason," Glimmer sneered at me, and Cato snickered at the nickname. I force myself not to roll my eyes.

"I will. Hear me out. Look, all of you guys have strengths. Cato, the leader and good with a sword. Glimmer is good with a bow and arrow."

She's really not, unless she's improved a lot since training. They're keeping her mostly for her face, I know that but obviously I can't say it.

"Clove is good with knives. Marvel is good with spears. But my strength is ALL of your weakness."

"We don't have weaknesses." Cato looked irritated. I know exactly why.

"Katniss got an 11 in training. You got a nine. We know what that nine was for, but none of you know how she got that 11. I can help you get Katniss if you keep me alive."

"I don't trust him. He says he loves her, then the next day he's claiming he'll help us kill her. No." Clove is definitely the smartest and the one I have to be most wary of. She uses her wits and aim more than brute force and she stands out from her partner, the boy from 2, and the tributes from 1 and 4. I quickly formulate a response.

"Yeah, she's special to me. But am I willing to die when I really have a chance? I'm not stupid." Okay yes, that's exactly what I'm doing and I very much am stupid. But if I die, it will be as myself and not as a monster, just like I told her last night. Katniss will see that. Katniss will know when she watches the recap of the games when she wins. She'll forgive me for what I'm saying. And Haymitch and Portia. Delly will know. My father will know. Anyone else is free to think whatever they want. The girl from 4 interrupts my thoughts.

"He's right. He grew up with her, if anyone can catch her in this arena, it's him. Besides, he's not bad with knives or wrestling. We can always kill him later."

"I still say no."

"Clove. We all know you'll still be the best with knives." Cato gives her a surprisingly genuine smile as he nudges her shoulder with his elbow.

"That's not why. I don't trust him."

"Do you want to take the 12 chick out or not?" Clove finally concedes.

"Fine. You're in, lover boy. One wrong move and you're dead. You're free to feel unwelcome. Come on." I think I would like Clove if she was on my side, she shares a spunky side similar to Katniss.

What I'd said was true, but not the whole picture. I'd appealed first to their strengths, giving their egos a boost and making them think I'm at their mercy. Their biggest weakness is Katniss, but right below that is their arrogance. They are so sure of themselves. They camp out in the open. They storm the bloodbath at the cornucopia without a second thought. They make no effort to move quietly to sneak up on their prey. By making them think I was afraid of them, I made them think I wasn't a threat to them. Which I wasn't... Exactly. I am defending their biggest enemy so that she could stay a threat to them. Maybe if she killed me, she would find out later that I was trying to help her, and wouldn't stay mad at me forever. Maybe she wouldn't have to kill me at all, maybe I would need to give myself away before she could annihilate the group. We'll see. Either way, though. Katniss will go home. I will fight every force in this arena to make that possible. Later, when I was on watch with the boy from 3 who they'd nabbed to be a sort of guard to their provisions, I left a note for Prim. "She'll be home for your birthday." Prim's birthday is in a month and a half's time. Katniss has celebrated it for years by buying a single cookie for her each year. Prim WILL have her sister there. Even if it kills me, her sister will be there.


	3. Heartbroken

"How are you, boy?"

"Hi, Haymitch."

"You didn't answer me. How are you?"

"I'm..." Heartbroken? Crushed? Dead inside? "I'm okay."

He sits down beside me, a strange but not uncomfortable silence between us. He takes several sips from his glass before speaking again.

"I'm just now realizing you haven't been playing the romance up. You've been holding back."

I nod.

"I'm sorry for presenting you two together from the start. I knew you had an eye on her but I didn't know how deep it was. This whole mess stemmed from that."

"My emotions are hardly more important than both of us being alive, the first two people to survive the Games together. You saved both your tributes, Haymitch."

"I'm glad you feel that way. I don't want to see either of you go the way of many victors, from years of being alone without anyone that really understands. Look at me. Particularly you, boy. You survived without blood on your hands but the horrors are there all the same. You're innocent." I frowned.

"I killed Foxface."

"She killed herself. You believe someone as brilliant as her would accidentally eat deadly berries? It was a far easier death than one Cato would have dealt. Eliminates all the risk, she knew the possibilities of dying a gruesome painful death were higher than the possibilities that she could win."

"She would have contributed so much to Panem if she could have won."  
"She was too smart to win, she could have destroyed much of the Capitol's technology. She was reaped intentionally. As was your girl. Snow couldn't let her continue to hunt outside of the District. Thresh was no accident, same for about half of the tributes most years."  
"When does it end?"  
"Not until something bigger comes along."  
We stay silent as his answer hangs in the air. We both know that anything else said regarding some kind of rebellion is considered treason and we would probably be arrested and possibly have our tongues cut out, despite our victor status. You're only safe while you're not a threat. Unless you're a child. Then you're put into the Games. He finally speaks.

"How long?"

"How long what?"

"How long have you hidden it?" I suddenly know what he's asking.

"11 years." I laugh once without humor. "11 years watching her and wondering if she'll ever notice me... Or recently, wondering why she's kissing me, why she smiles at me... Wondering if she is getting better at acting or if that's just my wishful thinking inserting her actions with something that isn't there." I sighed heavily. "I'm tired. I'm going to bed. If Katniss asks, she's welcome." I turn back again before I leave. "Haymitch?" He takes a long pull of his drink and looks like he is somehow feeling some of the pain that I feel.

"What?"

"Don't say this to Katniss please. I don't want her to feel like she's using me."

"She is using you."

"What I mean is I don't want her to do things for me because she feels sorry for me. Because I know she doesn't love me, but pity makes it so much worse."

"Okay, I won't say anything about this."

"Thanks." I'm out the door and halfway down the hall when he calls out to me again.

"Boy? Listen to me. She may not love you like you love her, but she does care a great deal about you. In a different world... A different world would have you two very happy together." He lifts his drink to the thought and takes another drink before disappearing again.


	4. The Proposal

She is all I've wanted since I was five years old, yet now all I want is to say no. Please no. But I'm aware of the Capitol's close eye, and I know she's right. It still hurts though, because she is sacrificing her life for me. Again.

But we decide, I'll propose for the cameras and she'll fake it, looking thrilled and in love, although I'll be putting out enough for both if us since Katniss can't act.

I can't blame her, and I have no right to be angry at her. I quietly leave the room. I hear her behind me,

"I thought he wanted it anyway."

Haymitch answers her,

"Not like this. He wanted it to be real."

Haymitch knew even before I had the guts to tell him. He had Cinna and Portia present us as a team from the very beginning. He knows everything about me, and he knows exactly what's bothering me now.

I don't allow my door to slam behind me, as she had when I originally confessed my love for her, because I don't want her to think I'm angry with her. This isn't her fault. She's keeping us alive once more.

I slump down on my bed. My shoulders are hunched and I feel more dejected than the day I found out she's been faking it all and didn't really love me.

Everything I've ever wanted is staring me in the face but to be happy about it is to betray her. She doesn't want it, and I shouldn't either.

My prep team arrives and begin getting me ready for the interview tonight. They babble on and don't take any notice of my despondency. I tell myself it's good, since that would lead to questions I can't answer.

When Portia comes in, she dismisses the prep team and says, "What's on your mind?" She's able to read me better than anyone but Haymitch.

I decide to confide in her. "I'm asking her to marry me today."

"During the interview?"

"Yeah."

"Haymitch's idea?"

I look down at the floor as I mutter, "No. Hers."

She cups her hand under my chin and gently lifts up my face.

"That's a bad thing?"

"Yes, it is bad! Its so hard, Portia, knowing she's only going to say yes because she can't say no. I wanted it to be quiet, romantic. Just me and her. I want her to have the option to say no, but to say yes anyway. I just..." My voice goes out and I whisper, "I just want her to love me." I stop myself before I start crying. She doesn't say anything, and I realize it's because she can't assure me that Katniss loves me, because she doesn't. She adds finishing touches to my makeup and hair, loving me in her own way, and I start to feel better, knowing at least somebody on this planet cares a little bit about me.

"I love you, and I believe in you. You'll be dazzling." She gives my hand a squeeze.

"I hope so," I mumble as Portia moves around, pulling out my clothes for the interview.

We are silent then, and when she's done she gives me a big hug and a kiss on my cheek. "You'll be perfect, sweetie. Katniss is a lucky girl, even if she doesn't realize it yet." She whispers into my ear. I wonder idly if Portia is what mothers are usually like, encouraging and hopeful when you've given up.

Katniss is already in the room when I arrive. I catch my breath. Cinna has once again outdone himself. Katniss is ravishing. Cinna has muted the color scheme to something more earthy, with a rich rust red, still appearing like its burning. I'm still overwhelmed as I cross over to her, taking her hands and kissing them softly. She smiles encouragingly. If only it was real. I keep having to tell myself to not fall for her act again while we're in front of the cameras. I fell too far last time and look at me now. We go through the questions, Katniss tucked into my side. It feels so real. I almost lose myself a few times, before I remember the awful reality. Acting. She is giggling and giving simple answers whenever she must speak. I take the lead, like always, but I don't really know what I'm saying. Caesar is reacting well, taking my cues, and I feel the words coming out, and I hear the sounds they make, the reactions of the massive audience, but my mind is lost in the imminent proposal lurking above me. The nerves I should feel are drowned in despair that I'll never have this questioned answered by Katniss, but instead by the Capitol. I feel Katniss sinking deeper into me, sure she can feel my heart pounding, and know that it's time. When I catch Caesar saying the word future, I drop to my good knee on the floor before her, taking her hand in both of mine. Their are gasps and shrieks of excitement from behind me. I feel like it's something I just have to get done. To move on to the next torment. What's next, answering questions where Katniss spills forth things that sound good but that I force myself to realize aren't true, demolishing what remains of my heart? The Capitol taking photo and video documentation of my real feelings and Katniss's act, rubbing it in my face that it's all been an act from the very start? I think I just did both of those. The tears escaping my eyes were very real and had nothing to do with the words coming from my lips.

Katniss is looking down at me with the deep, loving eyes she tries to put on for the cameras, a look of surprise mixed with joy on her face. Katniss is a terrible, terrible actress, but with her performance tonight, she almost has even me convinced. I guess she's finally getting the hang of it.

Or maybe...

I push the thought away, working desperately to ignore it. I couldn't let myself think that, it would be too hard later.

But...

I shove it back forcefully. I can't afford to consider it. Try thinking of anything else. Focus on my words as I'm speaking them... But if returns. A small voice deep down inside of me, the little boy in me is still hopeful, the last piece of Peeta that the Capitol hasn't trampled on and beaten down.

Maybe she really is excited, even just a little.

The moment the thought melts its way back into my consciousness, tears of hope begin to fill my eyes. I feel her free hand brush my cheek, fingers gently wiping the escaping tears from my skin, while her other hand squeezes mine. She smiles down at me, it feels so genuine, so real, that everything I am comes pouring from my mouth, unstoppable. My very being out for her to see.

"Katniss. The singing girl on the first day of school. The one whose voice made birds grow silent as the listened. For years, I dreamt of the day I would have built up enough courage to just say hi to you. And back then, I never thought I would have a chance to say what I'm saying now. Even as a tribute for the Hunger Games, I was happier than I had ever been, because suddenly I could talk to you, I could spend time with you, and I could protect you. Everything I did in the arena, I thought of you. All I wanted was to keep you safe, keep you alive, because you are all that matters to me. It was only a crush when we were reaped, but after nearly losing you so many times, I know I'm in love with you, Katniss Everdeen. You're everything I've ever wanted, and I've never let myself think that today would ever come – when I love you more than anything and you're here in front of me, the second half of my heart." I pause to catch my breath, ignoring the stab of pain bought by my last words. My sweaty palms still encase her hand, and she smiles wider, a single tear escaping with my words. She is acting this out splendidly. I do not let myself hope that it's the alternative. Finally, I finish.

"I want nothing more than to spend every day of the rest of my life with you, Katniss." I pause again, knowing what I'm about to say really isn't fair. "Tell me you love me, Katniss. Tell me yes. Will you marry me?" It's not fair, I shouldn't make her say she loves me out loud. She won't be able to, she can't lie to my face, nobody will believe her. I should be content that she offered to marry me, even just for the cameras.

But my poor starved heart longs to hear it. From her. Even if I know it's not real.

The room is dead silent, the occupants holding their breath, waiting for her answer. All I can hear is my own heart, beating too fast, too hard, as if it wants to escape from its prison behind my ribs, knowing the Capitol's answer but wondering why she's taking so long to speak it. She changed her mind. She's not going to do it. She can't imagine living with me for the rest of our lives, she can't give that much up.

But her response surprised the viewers, making them love her and me and our little fake romance. SHE is making them think we're in love, instead of me, this time. I feel myself being convinced along with the rest of Panem. The hand she had kept on my cheek throughout my proposal had shot up to her mouth as her jaw dropped open at the final question. I immediately missed its comfort, somehow keeping my cracked heart from bursting into tiny shards.

It's all a show.

A yes is from the Capitol. Not from her.

Don't let yourself hope.

I was taken by her performance, and reminded myself it was just that, a performance, working harder than I'd anticipated needing to.

It's not real.

Her words shocked me. She said it. And I believed her.

"I love you, Peeta." she whispered, "Yes." throwing her arms around my neck, knocking me to the ground.

I fell for it once more, harder and deeper than the last time. I didn't stop to think of what would happen later, what would be left when the cameras were gone. I didn't consider the consequences of being happy.

My heart fused itself back together by replaying over and over her declaration.

"I love you, Peeta. I love you, Peeta. I love you, Peeta. Yes."

Every cell in my body, every fiber of my being believed her. She really does love me, she said so herself; I berated myself for ever questioning it.

Someone on this planet truly loves and cares about me.

I thought of how I could spend the rest of my life with her. She said yes, and I can't help feeling happy.

Throughout the party, she and I ate, greeted people, danced, and she seemed beside herself with happiness, and that made my heart swell with joy that I was the one making her happy like this.

It wasn't until I am alone in my room on the train, not basking in Katniss's presence, not convinced by her crazed smile and girlish giggles, that it hits me what I've let myself believe. I was halfway out of my suit, my jacket and shoes on the floor behind me and my shirt mostly off when I come to my senses.

I stop falling for the act and hit the cold hard ground of reality.

It's not real.

I don't make it to my bed. My heart shattered with the impact and I crumpled up into a tight ball right there on the floor, crying like a child. I realized that I am a child, 16 years old, a young, broken murderer who is in love with the Girl on Fire. I cried until I had no more tears left in me, and finally dropped to sleep.

I woke up when an avox shook my shoulder, looking at me with such sympathy, I was sure he knew it wasn't real. Nobody was around, so I risked speaking in a hushed voice.

"Did that really happen? Am I engaged to her?" He only nodded. I sighed and curled up again, the emptiness in my chest making me realize that my fall had destroyed the remains of my heart.

He patted my shoulder and pulled me up, handing me a shirt and pair of pants that showed Portia's taste. I took them gratefully and he left the room and I dressed. It was only 2:30, so I crept into Katniss's room and climbed in with her, glad that at least I can keep her nightmares at bay, if nothing else. She would never really be happy with me. It wasn't her fault she'd damaged me beyond repair. It was my fault for believing what I saw and being happy about it.

It all was not real.


	5. Rescued

I was assigned to nurse the captured victors back to health, and we were expecting what we saw with the girls - heavily bruised bodies, obvious evidence of rape and the of course Johanna Mason had the burnt skin showing electrocution. Peeta Mellark, however, was in surprisingly good shape. His ribs were cracked, I'm guessing from his beating after he warned District 13. But aside from slight bruising, it seemed like they hadn't been beating him recently at least. I figured they were getting him ready for another interview when we rescued him.  
But then the Mockingjay entered.  
I was one of the doctors he'd pushed out of his way, hitting my head against the wall with the force. But before my vision blacked out, I saw soldier Boggs prying his hands from the neck of the girl. The girl he told us he loved. Later, I entered the information into his log.  
Peeta Mellark: 47th known victim of hijacking.

He didn't know where he was. Nobody told him, they just assumed he knew. He wasn't in the Capitol, he was semi-conscious for part of the hovercraft flight, and they were flying far too long to still be there. He couldn't muster up the energy to fight as the doctors checked his vitals and injected him with who knows what.  
Then he heard something behind him, someone come in and whisper his name. He turned his head slowly. He recognized that voice.  
She came for him, arms outstretched, a terrifying expression on her reptilian face. Her fangs dripped with the blood of those she'd killed. He had no choice. This isn't Katniss. This is the creature from the Capitol. Katniss would want him to kill this mutt. He felt his hands close around that scaly throat and squeezed with all the strength left in him. He wouldn't let go until this monster was dead.  
He felt a blow to his head, and with a rush of pictures and sounds, everything in the room lightened from grey to white, bringing him violently back to the room he'd been beaten so frequently in.  
He curled up and wrapped his arms over his head, a reflex he'd developed from years of abuse from his mother, as well as from his days of constant beatings in between torture sessions. He whimpered as a hand gently rested on his arm and pierced the skin there. Emptiness followed.

He had woken up several times in the days following his encounter with the Katniss-beast. His doctors and nurses kept assuring him he was safe, they were there to help, and Katniss wasn't a mutt and she was fine. He didn't really believe any of it.  
"Peeta? Are you okay?" The nurse asked.  
"Yeah."  
"Do you know where you are?"  
"District 13."  
"Would you like to take a rest, we will give you something."  
"No, I want to... Try..."  
"Peeta?"  
"Where am I? Who are you!"  
"I'm your nurse. You're in District 13, you knew that a second ago."  
"Don't sedate me, I don't want to be like the morphling that... No! Don't die for me, I don't deserve to live! I-I'm not supposed to survive this ti- Please don't me don't kick me again! No, I can't stop her, she's gone, I can't..."  
"Peeta, you're okay, you're safe in 13. Nobody's hurting you."  
"Fog-fog, Mags don't go! The fog..."  
"Peeta? Can you hear me?"  
"No, don't take her away from me! I love her. Don't take her from me! Kat-Katniss I'll always remember you, I'll always love you, they can't take that!"  
Peeta's cries dissolved into choking sobs as the doctor smoothed back his hair, apologized, and inserted a needle into his arm. It's imaginable that each time he was freshly disoriented, it was linked to something the doctor had said that coincided with what his torturers had said.  
It was six hours before the medication wore off, and Peeta was alert once more. Each time he woke up, he reached out for Katniss, as he'd grown so used to doing. And each time, his hands met with empty air. The nurse would come in with food and refill his IV. One day he asked what she was putting into him, and she told him it was a mild sedative to help him stay calm.

"You're lying." He told her. "You're lying, it's more venom, you're trying to change me into a mutt like you did to her."

"No, Peeta, that was what they did in the Capitol, but we rescued you. We're trying to make you better here."

"Why should I believe you?"

"I guess for now, you'll have to trust me."  
Trust me. Trust me. Trust me. His arms tightened automatically and a growl came from his throat. The nurse looked scared and started to back away slowly. Peeta started shaking violently.  
"She won't eat them too, she'll trick me so I die by myself! Don't eat the stupid berries! She's a liar, a dirty rotten liar! Don't trust her, I did and look at me now!"

"There's no berries, Peeta, it's just stew, it's perfectly fine. Nobody wants you to die."

"That's what she told you, isn't it? The Capitol turned her into this, this is the Capitol's fault! I'm going to die by myself while she wins the Games alone, she just kept me along for the sponsors. I thought she loved me but really it was all one big Game to her. She's a liar, woman! She's a liar!"

Once more, the nurse injected him with morphling to put him to sleep.


	6. Snow has Won the Battle

He ended up occupying his mind by tracing the patterns on the tiled floor. It didn't take much to distract his thoughts nowadays. It was so easy to keep himself occupied, not much of his mind was conscious and what was conscious wasn't functioning properly. He smashed a bright purple bug under his thumb, his skin meeting only the cool tile. The bug shimmered for a second before melting away. He looked up when a chubby Capitolite came in. He blinked and shook his head a little, and it was Delly Cartwright when he opened his eyes again. She had come in a few times to talk to him. He knew it was because the Capitol hadn't twisted her in his mind.

"Hi Delly."

"How are you feeling, Peeta?"

"Nothing."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I'm literally feeling nothing."

"Oh." Peeta sighed. Delly is the only friend he has right now, he should try to be nice to her, that's what the old Peeta would do. He would be nice to his friend.

"My mind... Mind can't stay anywhere very long. I might hate you in five seconds. I might black out. I don't know. But right now I'm just hallucinating. You had blue hair and orange skin when you came in."  
"That's awful! What are they doing about it?"  
"Watching. Waiting. Not much they can d-Dell-Delly! Don't let them put more in me! Don't let them! Make them stop, it hurts so bad, it stings! It stings me! I can't. I can't take it anymore. I can't. Make them stop- DELLY get out of here, they'll poison you too! You have to go! Leave me here, it's too late for me, save yourself and go!"  
"Doctor? Doctor!" The doctor came in with a guard a few steps behind her.  
"There isn't anything I can give him that will help. I can only put him to sleep, but he requested we stop sedating him for awhile. I can't legally sedate him."  
"Peeta... Poor Peeta. Shh, it's okay. You're out of the Capitol. It's okay, we're helping you. What's in your head, Peeta? What is it? Tell me."  
"Katniss... Katniss... What are you saying to me, what will you do to me, where did she go, when did she leave me? What will be left after the cameras are gone? When will she go back to her seam boy, why does she love him and not me? Why is she still here, is she going to kill me kindly or let me bleed to death, will she use her fangs or her claws, why are the scales so cold, when did her skin turn green, where is she taking me? Katniss don't hurt me anymore, I love you, why do you do this to me? What did I do to you? Talk to me, Katniss, tell me what I did? Tell me how to make it better? I want you to love me. I need you to love me. Why won't she love me? Why can't she love me?"  
"Peeta, it's not real. It's not real. You're here with me, Delly. That's real. That's not fake." Delly was crying so hard at his words, his face was only a blur in front of her eyes. He looked up at her, his own eyes drowning in tears and his breathing broken up with harsh hiccups and choking noises.  
"Delly, help me?"  
He slumped down, broken.

A few days later, a different doctor came in to examine Peeta and to see if there was a way to heal him.  
"What happens when you have an... An episode, Mr. Mellark?"  
"Please stop calling me that."  
"Mr. Mellark? Is that not your name?"  
"That's what THEY called me. Always. Always... always... Katniss... Stay..."  
"Peeta?"  
"Huh? Oh, you're the good doctor, right? What did you ask me?"  
"Yes, I'm Dr. Lan. I asked you what it's like when you get an episode."  
"Oh. It's different sometimes. When I first got back, and I saw her, I couldn't think anything, my mind was black. I could only see her running towards me with her claws aimed at my neck. I don't know what I did. You all say I attacked her. But when the man... The one that hit me-"  
"Boggs."  
"Boggs. When he hit me, I felt like I was back in the Capitol because they hit me a lot there."  
"Yes, you started panicking."  
"But usually, when I'm too tired to fight for myself, then my mind just goes back to sitting in my cell, back in the Capitol prison. Everything is white and silent and cold. Nothing happens, I'm just scared."  
"What about the times that something triggers a flashback, you mentioned being somewhere else."  
"If I hear something from before that they showed me pictures of in the room after giving me the venom, then I think of when that was said before. Except with a nightmare ending instead of what you tell me really happened."  
"Those are the ones we think will be the easiest to reverse. We'll show you the recording of the real event, and if that triggers an attack, we'll give you a sedative to calm you so that those memories don't frighten you anymore. Does that sound good to you?"  
"Yeah. Doctor?"  
"Yes?"  
"I want to see her. I have to tell her I'm sorry."  
"I'm sorry, it's too early still. But it's good to hear you say that, that's the real Peeta coming back."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

{Haymitch's POV}

"He's in terrible condition, Mr. Abernathy."  
"He seems fine." We're standing next to a large window into the boy's room.  
"Right now he does. In a few seconds, he'll... Well, watch."  
We look through the glass, where a nurse is taking the boy's blood pressure and pulse. They have him strapped to his bed. He speaks quietly but after a couple seconds, his face gets hard, and the nurse looks up and steps back. I can't hear what they're saying, but after he glowers at her for awhile, I can vaguely make out his shouts. The nurse doesn't look surprised. Another twenty seconds and he suddenly stops yelling and his eyes grow wide, bright and terrified. He shrinks away as she lifts her palms to show she isn't a threat. She moves closer slowly, and he kept shrinking farther and farther into the bed. After half a minute, his eyes droop and he loses consciousness. My girl has no idea that she's the one who's done the most damage to him. The hijacking was a big part, but the worst of it was the constant denial he'd put himself through, add onto that the constant feeling inadequacy from his childhood, and the abuse from his mother. My poor boy.


	7. Fighting Back

I looked up when I heard the door open.  
"Hi Johanna."

"Doing any better?"  
"Not really. Although I haven't died yet, if that's really a good thing."  
"I'm sorry."  
"It's not your fault."  
"You're right. It's Snow's fault for breaking you. The worst thing you can do to him is fight for yourself."  
"What?"  
"Fight this. Work to make your mind do what it used to do. Try to bring back who you were. Prove to yourself that he hasn't broken you beyond repair. He sent you back as a weapon because he was so confident that you were in his control, but he was wrong. Show everyone how wrong he was. Bring back your love for brainless so that you can show all of Panem that Snow doesn't have the power he thinks he has. That nobody can take your love from you. That if we fight, we can defeat Snow. I know you can do this or I wouldn't tell you to."  
Jo had started calling HER brainless so that her name wouldn't trigger an attack. So far it's worked.  
"Where is she?"  
"Brainless? She's in D2. Propos I think."  
"Is she safe?"  
"She's not safe anywhere."  
"She's safe here in District 13. As long as they keep her away from me, that is."  
Johanna shook her head, leaning down to whisper in my ear. Her mouth was hidden from the cameras and prying eyes of the doctors on the other side of the wall.  
"Coin is going to take her out sometime. Brainless isn't her biggest fan, and that means Panem won't be her biggest fan when we win this thing. Coin can't risk someone of that influence to not support her."  
"But the revolution will die if-"  
"No. Her part's over. If she dies now she'll be a martyr, a face the Capitol crushed for the rebels to fight for. Same goes for you. They're trying to keep you alive but they won't go out of their way like they used to for her. That's why you have to fight so you can get out of here and think for yourself."  
"How do you know this, Jo?"  
She smirked.  
"I'm better at holding my morphling than the doctors think I am. Plutarch visits me often. I'm smart."  
"Jo, you're in danger."  
"We all are. I'd rather it be like this than me dying clueless. But it's good to hear you protecting Ka-brainless again. Means Peeta's coming back."

Jo ambled away, muttering something about being low on morphling, and the doctor came in a few minutes later.

"Doctor, I'd like you to take off the restraints."  
"I'll have to make sure that's safe first."  
"It is. I haven't needed them for a week now, I haven't pulled against them or wanted to do anything violent."  
"I'll call a guard in just in case. One moment."  
Being free is the first step to getting myself back. The doctors don't know what to do, so I'll do this myself. I will conquer my hijacking. Plus, the straps they use are exactly the same as the ones in my cell in the Capitol, getting rid of them is one less trigger to fight.  
"Alright, Peeta. We'll start slowly, okay?"  
One arm at a time, the doctor released me. I can do this. I know I can do this. He still had my chest strapped in.  
"Can I stand?"  
"Patience, Peeta. Lets wait a couple minutes with your arms loose and see how that goes."  
"Okay."  
I stretched my arms, rubbing the tense muscles and bringing back the circulation. I examined the faint marks from when I had strained against my bonds, when I thought I was back in the Capitol strapped to the chair there. I shivered as I recalled the burning in my veins each time they injected me. The doctor watched closely and the guard moved forward a little.  
"I'm okay."  
"Yes you are."  
He came up to my bed again and took the strap off my chest.  
"Let's wait another minute, then we'll help you get up."  
I haven't been off this bed in weeks. I smiled at the thought of walking around, even in the confines of this room still. When the guard and the doctor came forward, each took one of my arms to support me as I tested my stiff legs. My prosthesis hurt much more than I remembered and I yelled as I put weight on it.  
"What is it?" He asked, frowning.  
"Fake leg." I hissed, easing my weight back to my real leg.  
"Are you not used to it or do you think something's wrong?"  
"Don't know. I don't think it hurt that much before."  
"I'll take a look at it."  
They hoisted me back onto my bed but in a sitting position. The doctor examined the joint between skin and metal, then removed my leg to check my stump.  
"I think you'll need to take it easy, there's some bruising here, I'm guessing you couldn't take it off for the time you were there?" I nod. "It's definitely going to take some time. We'll get you some crutches to ease some weight off your leg at first. Some training would be good eventually." I shiver again. I can't do training. There's too many triggers. Knives, guns, syringes, plastic, metal, white, bars, uniforms, people taller than me, people shorter than me, everything here is a trigger, and I'm barely controllable now. I can't train.  
But train I did. They made me. I don't see how they're better than the Capitol, I'm a 17 year old hijacked loon that they're giving a gun and sending off into active combat. I guess I shouldn't say they, it's President Coin. They all think she's better than Snow, but I think she's worse because they think she's on their side.  
She's not. She's on her own side.  
I got out of the truck, muttering my identity under my breath. Or at least what I know of it.  
"My name is Peeta Mellark. I'm 17 years old. I'm from District 12. I survived the Games twice. I'm a rebel soldier. My name is Peeta Mellark, I'm 17 years old. I'm from District 12. I survived the Hunger Games twice. I'm a rebel soldier."  
I kept my voice low, to try to hide what I was doing from the rest of my new squad. They could probably still hear me mumbling. They had warned me that she was in it. I can't look up. I'll see her.  
"My name is Peeta Mellark. I'm 17 years old. I'm from-"  
"What's he doing here?" I finally looked up, realizing Gale was staring at me with blatant hostility along with everyone else. He was standing protectively in from of her, daring me with his eyes to attack her again.  
They probably agree with me on one thing: this is the worst decision made during the entire war.  
I felt something like a blow to my gut when I saw her arrow pointed straight at my chest, her face a mask of indifference to my death. I deserve it.  
It's not like she hadn't sent emotional arrows straight through my heart before. I imagine the real thing can't hurt any more than those.  
"My name is Peeta Mellark. I'm 17 years old. I'm from District 12. I survived the Games twice. I'm a rebel soldier. I was in love with Katniss Everdeen for 11 years." Was. I'm confused about what's going on now. My heart and brain have never disagreed more.  
My heart longs to wrap her up in my arms and hold her close. My brain tells me she's not the girl I loved.  
Boggs relieved me of my weapon. I'm grateful, I don't want to hurt any of these people, despite the judging and hate-filled looks they're giving me. I smile a bit when I see Finnick. He'll help me. He'll be on my side.


	8. Drowning Again

Johanna and Delly had joined me for lunch, and I was feeling much better than I had in previous days. But Jo of course ended up getting to me.

"I'm glad you girls still talk to me. Everyone else thinks I'll kill them on sight it seems." The waitress came and gave us our food, acting very nervous around me.

"The country's full of your followers, you could literally pick anyone. Even if they're taken." Johanna told me.  
"No, you're wrong. I mean, look at me to begin with."  
"You're just as handsome as ever." She said through her mouthful of spinach salad.  
"I know. Hideous."  
"That's not what I meant. You know that." She grumbled.  
"Peeta, you've been through so much. These scars, your leg, those are witness to how strong you are. That you had that happen to you and you're still going. It's an inspiration to those that want to stop." Delly assured me, squeezing my hand. I roll my eyes in disgust.  
"I'm not even really human. I have scientifically constructed skin on me, my veins are pumped full of drugs, both good and bad, and my leg is metal and plastic. I'm a mutt physically and mentally. Don't try to tell me I'm an inspiration."  
"You are. You're stronger than you think, Peeta. You're the strongest person I know."  
"I'm insane. Completely crazy. Out of my mind."  
"You're coming back, though. You're slowly becoming yourself again. Look at how that girl was with you, she wanted so badly for you to ask her out or treat her special or something."  
"She was afraid of me." I correct her.  
"She was nervous because you're you. All of Panem loves you. I mean, you would hyperventilate if Katniss looked at you like that. You need to get over her, she isn't good enough for you."  
"Johanna stop." I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to concentrate on anything besides her voice. Delly backed me up,  
"Jo, you need to stop right now."  
"I'm serious, if she really wanted to deserve you, she'd do something to make herself worthy but-"  
"JOHANNA." Delly shouted, "Stop!"  
My fists flexed and clenched, and I watched them like they weren't my own. I didn't notice my erratic breathing at first. I'm slipping fast, and I don't care to catch myself, as Delly keeps urging me to do.  
"Peeta, come back, it's not real. Come back to me." I shook my head.

"Peeta, don't do this to us, don't leave us. Don't do this to yourself." I hear her pleading with me.

I ignored her voice, leaving the real world behind. I don't care anymore, nobody needs me, I'm free to let myself go. Even if Katniss was telling the truth in the arena when she said she needed me, that's gone. She doesn't need me anymore. My eyes stop registering what's in front of me, and I raise my arms up to welcome Katniss into them. I vaguely hear Delly telling Jo that now she'd done it. I'm gone. Katniss rubbed my shoulders and I sunk into the feeling. Who needs the real world? I have this.

I enjoyed Katniss's company for a long time, fighting to stay when they tried to wake me up. But Katniss floated out of my arms and I opened my eyes. Delly and another nurse were monitoring me. Seeing their faces made tears well up in my eyes. I don't want to be here. Here is too hard.  
"Peeta, you've been out for 4 days. Are you okay, are you having nightmares?"  
"No."  
"Are you feeling like yourself?"  
"No."  
"Why aren't you talking to me?"  
"I don't want to talk! I want to go back!"  
"Back where?"  
"To where She is, she's in my dreams and she loves me there. She lets me see her and touch her and she tells me that she loves me, and it's so much easier than here! Just let me go back to where she loves me! That's all I've ever wanted, why can't I just have that one thing?" My angry voice sounds foreign even to me.  
"I'm... I'm sorry Peeta. I didn't reali-look. Listen to me. I know you like that world better. But this world, the one we've fought so hard for, this world is different from what it was. Now Katniss doesn't have to survive. Now she's free. What do you think she's doing? She's waiting for your help. She's waiting for you to go back to her. She needs you." Delly rose, her white nurse's uniform crinkling as she moved.

"Show her that we've won - that she's won."

I finally agree to have myself shipped back to District 12. See what's there for me. Maybe Haymitch will be glad to see me. That's the most I expect.  
On the train ride home, I thought over what I would do.

I can love Katniss. I can love her with all my heart. That much doesn't hurt. The part that hurts is letting myself believe she loves me too. I can't get hurt if I don't expect anything. Rejections won't hurt if I expect her to give them.


	9. Are you, are you

**This happens right after Peeta talks to Katniss, after he flips out when she leaves, the doctors give him sedatives and he falls asleep.**

Peeta could only hear snatches of the doctors words as they poked and injected him. He didn't care anymore, there was nothing to feel and no reason to feel it. Her last visit had left him feeling cold and empty, and he didn't exactly know why, but it left him extremely sad as well.  
"Mellark needs to wake up soon, this isn't helping him recover."  
"He's been through a lot, he deserves to rest. He'll wake up when he's ready."  
"President Coin wants him out there for that Capitol girl to film, the one with no hair."  
"Yes, I know." A light sigh, "It's a very dangerous idea."  
"No questioning her orders, Doctor." Someone cleared their throat and Peeta stopped listening. He looked around, the world behind his eyelids was warm and safe. He wasn't hurting here, and Katniss was with him. Her eyes shone, like the light grey gems they mined in District 1. Her smile made him smile as well, and when she reached her hand out to him, he gladly took it.  
"Let's sit in the meadow. I'll sing for you." Her voice was just as soft and angelic as he remembered it being. He willingly went with her, walking into the beautiful open grassy area that he had often sat daydreaming of her in as a child. But this time, she was really here with him.  
"Are you, are you, coming to the tree, where I told you to run, so we'd both be free..." Peeta closed his eyes, letting the sun's rays warm his cheeks and create a rosy glow shining through his eyelids. Her hand found its way into his hair, brushing through each lock gently, and he sighed.  
"Strange things did happen here, no stranger would it be, if we met, at Midnight, in the hanging tree. Are you, are you..." The sinister words contrasted with the golden air that surrounded them, making them even more bone-chilling. Peeta shivered when the sun went behind a cloud, opening his eyes when it never came back out.  
"Katniss?" He looked around. Katniss sat across from him, her finger pressed to her lips. He sat up, continuing to scan the area for what was troubling her. A mockingjay flew overhead, mimicking the tone of her voice, and making Peeta shiver. Suddenly, Katniss stood, grabbing his hand in hers to lead him. He followed, just like he always did. She ran through the thick, stiff grasses now covering their meadow, and through the hole in the fence and into the woods. After awhile, she spun around, pushing him against a nearby tree and staring deeply into his eyes. He met her gaze, curious to what was happening in her mind. She abruptly closed the space between them and pressed her lips to his, gentle but firm. When they parted, she had her bow in one hand and an arrow in the other. She closed her eyes, waiting, listening. Then she spun, notching the arrow immediately and firing it off. A scream rang from behind a bush, and she ignored it, shooting arrow after arrow into the darkness, screams, moans and cries filling the air. Peeta stared in shock, and when she should have run out of arrows in her quiver, he grabbed her arm, hissing, "What are you doing?" She dropped her weapon, taking his hands.  
"I'm not doing it. I've already done it." He scrunched up his eyebrows, confused. She led him to the bushes, where he found the faces of Marvel, Cato, Clove, Glimmer, the girl from 4, the boy from 3, little Rue, Thresh, Foxface, Cashmere, Gloss, Brutus, Mags, Wiress and - with a gasp - he saw himself laying here. Bleeding, an arrow through his heart. He looked at her. She was wearing a flowing white dress, a blank expression on her tilted face. He touched her neck, shocked to feel rough rope before her skin.  
"No." He gasped, a tear running down his cheek.  
"I love you, Peeta, it wasn't a lie after all." She told him. Peeta became aware of a rapid beeping noise. he heard pieces of sentences, "He's crying." "His heartbeat is very fast. I don't know what he's dreaming about but it's not good." "He's shaking, I guess its a nightmare. He'll wake up." He ignored it, trying to free Katniss from her rope.  
"Katniss, no! Don't leave me," He sobbed, "Stay with me!" She didn't respond.  
Why wasn't she saying anything? She was supposed to say always. He says stay, she says always. Why wasn't she saying anything? He touched her face, those lifeless eyes staring down on him from where she swung.  
"Katniss?" He murmured, holding her cold hands in his own to try to bring heat to them again. "Don't leave me here, don't." He choked out, seeing the harsh brown rope hanging down near him. He pulled her close, wrapping his arms around her waist and crying into her dress. "I told you to run," he murmured, "so we'd both be free." right before tightening his own necklace, side by side with her.  
He knew he was dead. Why was everything the same? His closed eyes showed no sign of light. He opened them, shocked with the burn from his incessant tears.  
"Mr. Mellark?" An unfamiliar voice asked.  
"Where? Are my brothers here too?" He rasped out, swallowing to try to soften his aching throat.  
"Too? I'm sorry, I meant Mr. Peeta Mellark, I was asking if you're alright." The faceless voice explained, and Peeta turned his head to see a woman in grey standing with some kind of device in her hand.  
"Am... I alright." He repeated, realizing it was a question that the woman expected him to answer. "No. I am not alright. I just died." He spoke slowly, examining his hands to find that they looked just like they had before he had met with Katniss in the meadow.  
"I'm sorry, could you tell me what is wrong?" The woman seemed confused, and she felt his forehead, ignoring when he flinched away from her touch.  
"I died." He told her like she was a child trying to understand a difficult concept. "I hung myself. Necklace of rope, with Katniss. We died together." If she was confused before, now she was completely at a loss.  
"Mr. Mellark, I don't follow."  
"Please don't call me that." He sighed, rubbing at his temples.  
"What do you prefer?"  
"Peeta. That's my name, Peeta."  
"You seemed very upset while you slept. What were you thinking?" She pressed.  
"I wasn't sleeping. I was awake, with Katniss." He frowned. "Where did she go?"  
"Miss Everdeen left hours ago, Peeta."  
"No she didn't, she died right next to me just now. Where is she?"  
"I believe you had a hallucination. Where you thought something happened, but it was just your mind."  
"That wouldn't surprise me, my mind isn't very dependable lately." He frowned, glad that at least Katniss hadn't hung herself. "Then where do you say that she is?"  
"Probably in her compartment, sleeping. It's pretty late." Peeta tried to sit up, gasping when a strap across his chest pulled him back down.  
"You have to let me go! She can't sleep without me there, you need to release me." He said, clawing at the restraint. The woman didn't move, she didn't let him out. He looked at her. "Why aren't you letting me up? Don't you care that Katniss is probably screaming right now?" The woman frowned.  
"I'm sorry, I can't let you go for security reasons. You've been pretty uncontrollable when you're around Miss Everdeen or after you've seen her. That's a result of the hijacking."  
"Uncontrol- what do you mean? What did I do? I didn't hurt her, did I?"  
"You don't remember? Well, it doesn't matter, she's fully recovered and healthy. You don't need to worry about her."  
"Yes. I do, because I'm not with her, and I don't know any of you people and I don't know where she is. I need to see her. I need to be there for her, I promised."  
"I'm sorry, Peeta. I can't let you go."

 **Ugh. Please follow and review, I have another chapter coming out soon. :') (it will be much happier I think)**


	10. Cheer me up

My mom hit me again. This time I could only see out of one eye, the other had swollen shut. I ran past the Seam to the meadow, so I wouldn't have to face Dad. He won't do anything anyway, knowing will just make him upset. I cried and rocked myself as I watched the sun starting to creep into the sky. Usually, watching the sunrise makes me feel better, although it doesn't compare to the sunset. I rested my chin on my knee, my sobs gradually fading away.

It was still pretty dark out, but I didn't miss when two figures, one tall and one short, made their way to the fence. I shrunk down, knowing exactly who it was, where they were going, and that I didn't want them to see me.

"Dad, I heard something in the grass-" the little one said. I held perfectly still. "Do you think it was a squirrel?" She finished.  
"Maybe, little girl. But let's wait till we get to the woods before we start hunting, okay?" The man hushed her. I breathed again.  
"Will we find a deer today?"  
"We can definitely try, how's that?"  
"Okay." She answered, skipping ahead to lower her ear to the wire. I watched with a small smile on my face. Of course, she would cheer me up. She always cheers me up even though I've never spoken a word to her. I watched them until I couldn't see them anymore, and then I flopped over sideways to let the sun's rays warm my skin.

The left half of my face still pulsed, and looked at the bugs in front of my eyes to distract myself. One of them seemed to be having more trouble than the rest in carrying its seed. I watched as it struggled to push or pull it. I reached for it with my pinky to push the seed towards the tiny hole where the rest were disappearing. The bug stopped moving, and I left it a finger-width's distance away from the hole. The bug scurried to it, giving it a few final tugs to get it in. I smiled.

I must have fallen asleep, because the sound of voices woke me up.

"-go back home, I can take it from here."  
"You sure, Dad?" I raised my eyes to see them come out of the woods with their finds. She had a small pinecone in her hand, and he carried a bag full of what must be animals.  
"Mhm, I'm going to visit Greasy Sae, Rooba and Mr. Mellark, then I'll be home. Give this to Mom for me." He bent to smooch her cheek, making her giggle and wrap her skinny arms around his neck.  
"Is there anyone you want me to say hi to at the bakery for you?" He teased. Her brow creased and mine went up.  
"Mr. Mellark is the only one that knows me."  
"Okay, if you say so..." He laughed and sent her on her way. I watched her braids disappear around the corner as she ran home. I waited for him to go into the Hob before I ran back home again. Mom would be mad, but Dad will be there too, and she never hits us in front of him. I'll be safe for now.


	11. Peeta's Brothers

Peeta sighed. He stood with his back to the doorway, the entire house behind him was silent, like it always was. He closed his eyes, staring at the painting in front of him, wondering how he could have even considered the painting in front of him could substitute for the real thing. Gray eyes stared back at him, just as stormy and confused as the last time he had seen them. Black hair flowed across olive skin, and dirt and blood felt caked into the picture as well, somehow. It doesn't even matter where, it's the fact that children's blood is worth nothing that has been plaguing him.

He slumped down in his chair, dejectedly dropping his brush to the floor. He reached out a hand to stroke the lines of her face, tracing her lips and jaw. Tears streaked both cheeks, and he wiped them away, forgetting about his paint-covered hands and streaking black and green over his pale skin.

"Peeta Mellark, victor of the 74th Annual Hunger Games!" He jumped as a familiar voice behind him bellowed. He plastered a smile on as he turned to see his brothers in the doorway.

"Germain, Noethe, I haven't seen you since the Reaping, where have you two jerks been?" Although he said it with a grin and teasing tone, he knew his eyes betrayed his seriousness.

"I'm sorry, Peet, Mom wouldn't give us any time off other than to eat or sleep or go to school, so we couldn't get away. But she caught a cold." Noethe grinned. Germain smiled gently, handing Noethe the package he carried.

"Noe, go make us something to eat, would ya?" Noethe nodded, patting Peeta on the shoulder and heading downstairs.

"What's wrong, Peet?" Germain asked, squatting down to pick up the dropped brushes and wipe at the stained flooring.

"Nothing, I'm fine, I survived the Games and finally got Katniss, didn't I?" He said, a little too brightly. Germain frowned, and Peeta's smile turned downward as he closed his eyes.

"It wasn't real, was it?"

Peeta bit his lip and shook his head.

"When did you find out, or was it your strategy the whole time?"

"I-no-well," Peeta choked out, "See I wasn't planning on winning. I was going to have Katniss win, so it didn't matter if I told the world I liked her. It was a strategy to save her, but then, she came and dug me out of the mud. I was so confused, why would she do that? I did nothing but drag her down and make more work for her. I thought-" He sniffled and cleared his throat to finish. "It was just a strategy to get sponsors. I found out on the train ride home. I still don't know why she didn't kill me or let me die." He swiped at his cheeks, and turned around to mess with his easel so he wouldn't have to look at Germain.

"Wow-I just... I can't believe she would do that to you. You almost died _several_ times to save her life. What a bi-"

"Stop it. It's not her fault, she saved both our lives." Peeta interrupted angrily. Germain raised his hands.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have-" he trailed off. His frown stayed in place. "You... you are actually in love with her."

"Of course I am, you knew that." Peeta scowled.

"No-not quite, you never said you loved her, you said you'd had a crush on her forever. Everyone else said love." Germain explained, dropping the brushes into the cup of water.

"Well they were right." He said bitterly. Germain didn't say anything for awhile.

"You did something that's never happened before. _Two_ victors. I don't care what Mom thinks, I'm really proud of you, Peet." He smiled.

"What _does_ Mom think?"

"Do you really want to know? It will make you feel worse."

"Yeah, what could she possibly think that's worse than before the Games? At least now I'm a victor and not just her accident child."

"Well-I don't want you to let her get to you, this is just her opinion-she thinks you should have let yourself die after the District 2 brute sliced you, so the cameras wouldn't have to watch you slowly starve like a District 12 disgrace. And she's not happy about your leg..." Germain watched Peeta's reaction.

"Well nothing's changed then." He said softly, his shoulders slumping. Germain got up to hug his brother, resting his chin on Peeta's head.

"Nothing ever will, that's just how she is. Don't let it upset you, okay?"

"But she's right, I should have died. Nobody expected me to live because I wasn't supposed to live."

"Peeta." Germain pulled away, gripping his shoulders tightly so Peeta had to face him. "Listen to me, if anyone deserved to win, it's you. You gave up so much for Katniss and I don't care what anyone says, she wouldn't have done the thing with the berries if she didn't _care_ if you lived. You told her to kill you, or she could have just let you bleed out but she was ready to give up her own life because she refused to let you die. Do you understand me? She does care about you."

"She would have done that with anyone, you saw what she did for Rue. She barely knew her."

"Rue reminded her of Prim, she wouldn't have let Prim die either."

"I know what she said, and Haymitch knew it was an act too."

"Katniss can't act. You know that." Peeta found himself smiling a little remembering their training with Effie and how much Katniss struggled to be likable. He thought it was precious.

"Hey, show me your new foot, we only saw it during the interview." Germain grinned, changing gears. Peeta sighed, kicking off his shoe and pulling up his pantleg to show him where it attached and how it moved.

"Hey, that's pretty fancy. Does it hurt?"

"Not anymore, unless I've been on my feet for too long or sleep with it attached. Sometimes I feel like my real foot is still there, the doctors called it 'ghosting' or something."

"Has she seen it?"

"Only in the interview." Germain raised his eyebrows. "I haven't really seen her since we got back." Peeta explained.

"Not at all?"

"Not since the cameras left."

"Wow. Have you seen anyone?" Peeta shook his head.

"Prim comes over sometimes to make sure my leg is okay, but other than that, no."

"We thought you would be with them during the day, or maybe Delly. We would have come sooner if we knew..."

"It's fine, I haven't really been in the mood to deal with other people lately."

"But you love people." Germain protested.

"I used to." Peeta sighed, rubbing his temples. It scared him how much the Games had changed him.


	12. Katniss Everdeen

They've told me for weeks that I'm in love with Katniss Everdeen.

I don't see why.

She's tiny, not tall, skinny and shaped more like a teenage boy. Her hair is black and always secured tightly in the same braid. Her eyes are cold and steely, reflecting hatred and pain. She isn't pretty.

But her personality's worse.

She shows no emotion, cool and rough with anyone she talks to except for that one girl, Prim. She never goes out of her way for people, doesn't help anyone, and spends a lot of time in the infirmary for anxiety or something. She can't carry a conversation and it's like it annoys her to try.

Katniss Everdeen lives for herself, and barely even that. In the short amount of time I've spent with her, those short minutes she actually came to see me, I saw nothing lovable in her.


	13. A chat with the mother-in-law

**If you've read the A/N at the beginning of my outtakes story, you'll know I don't hold much respect for Mrs. Everdeen. This is still true, but I'd like to think that once she'd gotten through some of the crap in her head, she improved a little, and maybe even understood the situation better than Katniss thought. We've already seen that Prim was more aware of what was happening than Katniss realized, so I think it's probably also partially true for Mrs. Everdeen. Here's what I think would happen if she sat down with Peeta and talked to him, some time before the Victory Tour.**

"Peeta?" I almost missed the quiet voice, so much like her daughter's.

"Hello, Mrs. Everdeen." I greet her, unwrapping the bread I brought over for them. I could hear Prim giggling upstairs, probably telling Katniss a story.

"You look just like John did." She observes before giving herself a little shake. "I'm sorry, I'm sure you hear that a lot." I shake my head.

"It's fine, I don't mind. Is there anything else I can get for you?" I offer, knowing she might have a list of things to buy for healing people.

"No, I'd just like to talk to you." I'm sure my face blanches a little, because she smiles softly and reassures me, "Don't worry, I'm not upset at you." I nod and she gestures for me to sit on one of the kitchen chairs around the table.

"Is there anything I need to apologize for?" I begin, not knowing how she'd taken any of the love story between Katniss and me, all I know is that she doesn't want Katniss to have a boyfriend quite yet. She shakes her head.

"I couldn't ask for a better young man for my daughter. No, I don't think it's my place to rebuke you for anything you've done, after all, it's really because of you that she came home."

"I don't think-" I object, frowning.

"I know, I know. It's because of her that you came home. But you saved her first, from what I saw. I really do not mind you having a relationship with Katniss - yes, I know what I said to the reporters at the station."

"You told them that Katniss was too young." I reminded her, confused.

"I did. I said that so that nobody would be suspicious if you two didn't get married before the next Games. I don't know if you realize what the future holds for you, your names will be forever linked, and you can't stay apart for much longer."

"I don't know what you mean." She sighs, rubbing her hand over her creased forehead.

"When you both were about to eat the berries, it was seen in one of two ways, that you were defying the Capitol in the most fundamental way, refusing to win their Games, or that you were both so in love that you couldn't stand the thought of being apart - which is what the Capitol needs people to believe. You can't be apart because if you are, it will be more widely believed that you were both rebelling in the arena. You have to marry Katniss." The full weight of what she was explaining to me hits me right then, and my shoulders sink against the hard wooden chair.

"I- I am so sorry, when I told Caesar that I - I never meant for - I wasn't planning on both of us living!" I finally get out. I pull on the hair at my temples. "I never meant for her to be stuck with me, I know she doesn't feel the same way I-" I freeze, looking up suddenly. Mrs. Everdeen's eyebrows raise a tiny bit. "You knew, didn't you?" I ask.

"I know that Katniss doesn't love easily. I know that she's extremely protective of those that she does love. I know that she rarely admits to herself that she loves people other than Primrose. Other than that, I know very little." She tells me. I frown.

"So are you saying she does love me, she just doesn't know?" I dare to ask. Mrs. Everdeen shrugs.

"I can't tell you yes or no, I stopped being able to read Katniss a long while ago, and she doesn't tell me things." She sighs heavily again, resting her chin on her hand and leaning on the armrest of the chair. "I stopped being her mother long ago too, but I'm sure you know that. Both she and I know that I have no place telling her what to do, I gave that up when I - " She looked down, cleared her throat and spoke quieter. "I abandoned the girls at the worst possible time, and they can never know how much I regret those years. I made Katniss grow up too fast. I turned her into what she is now, emotionally unavailable." A single tear streaks down her cheek and I look away, feeling like I'm not the one she needs to tell this to.

"I have no place telling her that she's too young to have a boyfriend. She may be too young, in ordinary circumstances, it would be ridiculous to be so serious when it had only been a couple weeks since the first time you spoke, but..." She wipes her tears away. "We aren't in normal circumstances, and she's much older than I've ever been." She finishes. I clear my throat again.

"How do I fit in? What happens now?"

"You... You are free to do whatever you and Katniss decide is best. You have my blessing for whatever you choose, if that means anything. I know you care a great deal for her, and she for you as well. I don't really know how that translates practicality-wise. It's between you, her, and as much as it irritates me, Haymitch. You both need to talk to him about what's best for all of your safety." She stands, signifying our little talk has come to an end. I am horribly uncomfortable, feeling like an outsider still.

It saddens me, but I feel that Katniss, Haymitch, Effie and I are more of a family than my parents and brothers, and sometimes it seems the same is true for Katniss as well. I smile at Mrs. Everdeen, thanking her for telling me everything.

She says it's up to Me, Katniss and Haymitch to discuss what happens now, but I know for sure that nothing will be done unless Katniss is fully willing. Nothing. Even if that costs my safety, I will not force her into anything. I refuse to force her into something the Capitol's concocted.

Is that rebellion? Probably.


End file.
